my heart hurts

yesterday was amazing and awful all at the same time.

today is going to be a loooong day.
I am trying to finish my Judy Fong Bates essay before my Diasporic Lit class tonight.
Normally I would have plenty of time, but today I am going to school early because Judy Fong Bates is coming to UTM!
So, I will be in the MIST theater today from 3-5 and then maybe hangouts with Tony before class at 6...
We are so great together but I can't see him right anymore because of what he did.
There is so much good that outweighs the bad though...its inevitable that we get back together.

I hate our destructive relationship, but I am miserable without him.
I spent the whole day crying and then laughing and then fighting with him.
I loooove him.

more lies.

So, I asked you what kept you so busy on Thursday and you just said that you did errands and went to your brother's house.
Now I know that you went to a concert with her...

What the hell?

You are leading one of us on.
I can't deal with this.
If you are her 'babe', then don't try to be mine.

well...

I guess I got my sign.
You were home all day.
You didn't send any messages...at all.
How can you be THAT busy?
You can't.
An entire day went by and you couldn't be bothered to reassure me about US.
Do you realize I sound like an idiot trying to convince everyone that it will work this time?

I am hoping for a message in the morning, but right now my heart is sinking and I don't think one is coming for me.

Hey you.

I sent you an email.
I asked you to promise that you wouldn't hurt me again.
I asked for a sign that you definitely wanted to be back together and that we were MTF's forreal.
I sent you the email at 11:30pm.
It's been 8 and a half hours...
I know you checked your mail.
I know you read the email.
I also know that you didn't reply...at all.

Have you changed your mind?
Is this part two of making me anxious and miserable?
Did you call her?
Did you spend the day with her?
If we get back together, are you still going to call her?
If we get back together, am I still going to be thinking about if you are thinking about her?

SEND ME A SIGN.
PLEASE.

I forgive but I can't forget, don't fool me twice.

I am so confused about what to do and what I want.
I want to be with Tony, but I don't want things to get messed up again.
It's my fault for pushing him away and it's his fault for replacing me so quickly and lying to me about it.

But I forgive him and I love him.
I want us to be back together but now everyone hates him because I was so miserable when we broke up...
What if he replaces me when I go home for the summer?
Everyone says he will...

I am going to give him another chance.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me...

Idiota

Apparently, I never learn my lesson...
I must have missed the bus this morning because I stood there and froze for about 10 minutes before I gave up waiting for it and made my way over to Tony's house.

Who would have thought that the first day of spring would be so cold?
Not me.
I ended up staying with him all day and at some points it was like how it used to be between us...
but when ever I stopped to think about what happened I realized I can't deal with it.

He didn't pick me.
From the very beginning he wouldn't acknowledge me as his girlfriend because he was keeping his options open.

I miss him. A lot. And I looooove him.

Anyway, this is me procrastinating my essay.
I need to get it done by tomorrow so that I can go to the 'W.L.K.' party on Sunday.
Hopefully Alex will drive me so I won't have to take the bus!

Happy Erin Day! (aka St. Patrick's Day)

Yes! No class today (until my 6-9 class tonight), and Ma Mere is flying in tonight...
Too bad I have to study hxc for my German test and my Citi. test. - both of which are tomorrow! Yikes.

Anyway, first I must watch some St. Patty's Day parade on t.v. and snuggle with Shadow and my brekkie :)


Plus, I am kinda excited to see Tony tonight even though I shouldn't be.
I am a bad kid. Clearly.

"The Word of the Day is Poop"

Ok, so it started as a joke...
My Dad said "everything is about poop today...the word of the day is poop."
Random? Yes. Prophetic? Very.

It started when some t.v. shows were all doing slap stick comedy and making poop jokes, and Jon and Kate plus 8 was a re-run about the kids being potty trained...

The joke ended with Shadow having explosive diarrhea in Darsh's sneakers...




yeaaah, totally disgusting.
sorry Darsh.

Facebook wants to know whats on your mind...

...but the only thing on my mind is Tony.

So, I didn't go out for CMW, or go to that show with Alex, and I didn't celebrate Holi with Andrew tonight...
BUT, I did take my dad around Mississauga and to church and now we are watching Amazing Race.

I'm sure its not as exciting as what Tony is doing...and yes, I can't help but think about him and miss him.
BUT, I am having so much fun with my Dad. I miss him and New York so much. I can't wait to go home for the summerrrrr.

I am sure the gang is having tons of fun in Florida. The weather is getting nicer here too <3

"My back is turned on you"

Soundtrack to My Sulking:

1) Taken by Trees - Sweet Child of Mine
2) Hope - Who Am I to Say?
3) Bon Iver - Skinny Love
4) Del Amitri - Tell Her This
5) A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover
6) Erin McCarley - Pitterpat

"I'd never see want to see you unhappy...I thought you'd want the same for me."

IF

he actually followed my insane blog and realized that I loved him to death even when we were fighting and everything, would he still have found someone ten times better?

My gut is churning so badly. "I saw this girl with beautiful eyes and I was praying that the guy standing next to you wasn't your boyfriend" I can't get that line out of my head.

He used to say I had beautiful eyes. I guess not.




I want to curl up and die. I want to curl up and die. I want to curl up and die.

yeah...

I can't decide which website to creep: FML or PostSecret. Which one will make me feel better?
I need to get out of the house. :(

Shit. She's beautiful. It's not fair.

I saw everything. I know he's been lying. And yet, he continues to lie to me.
I am being immature by keeping him from getting into his Facebook account...but I will give it back to him unharmed.
I just want to change his MSN screen name to something else instead of my birthday and "I'm sorry".
It doesn't count to say sorry when he is talking to the other girl on his other MSN name...

I don't know what to do. I don't want to be with him but I don't want to lose him or erase him from my life...
I need a sign.


I literally googled: "How to get over a cheating boyfriend" just now.
Can you say pathetic?


P.S.
No, I don't want a young buck like yourself...ugh. I am shocked and fully creeped out.

Tuesday night's scramble is Wednesday morning's preamble...

Yeah, so I turned a day that was supposed to be filled with nothing into a day where I ran around and did stuff to keep busy in order to feel accomplished. Yay! And also Boo! because it was rainy and icky all day :(

This morning I got up, went to school, and was coaxed into nominating myself for the Historical Society (I picked low set jobs though so I better not get any calls about being VP!)
Anyway, I then proceeded to sneak away with food stuffs for D.P. and run to catch my bus and bring it to her hideout at South Common.
We chilled for a bit and then I trudged back to school where I was supposed to meet Tony at 3:00 cause I am an idiot and I thought I should show him what our outline is supposed to look like even though he doesn't love me/care about me and I should follow suit.
I am also an idiot because Tyler posted the outline format online and he could've just looked there...

Anyway, I worked on the outline and went to class where I thought I would play it cool and hang out with Nat. but I end up letting him sit next to me in class when Nat left to go to a funeral. Yeah, I am an idiot.

He bugs me. He bugs me because I clearly love him to death (despite biting him that day to get my book back) and he doesn't see it nor does he care. I left him to wait for his ride and I got on the first bus I saw (which could've led to a brutal walk in the rainy dark if I had taken the wrong one) and luckily it was my bus so that was amazing.

Anyway, now I am still feeling flustered and can barely study for my German quiz...I'll have to cram on the bus tomorrow.

Night all...

"remove the crap on your page"

I don't get it...
HE cheats on me & makes me miserable and then I end up being the "crap on his wall"?
Wtf?
That's so uncool.
First off, I should not be re-freshing his Facebook page and then trying to interpret all his shit,
but still...I hate that everyone thinks I am the one overreacting and being unfair.
HE is the major jerk who made me cry.

It shouldn't bother me cause I didn't do anything and I am so over him right?
But of course it does bother me because I feel like its my fault he went and found someone super better and I am so far from being over it that it isn't even funny.

FML.

Anyway, class till 9ish tonight and then blah tomorrow.
Just have to do my essay plan and pick up a book from the library, etc.
I feel so down now.
All his friends hate me and are telling him to follow suit because I am ugly and so not worth it...and even though my friends are doing the same its not like I am listening to them!
(I am so reading too much into everything, right?)

Spring Ahead...Go to Bed

I'm going to be so tired tomorrow at church since its Spring Ahead...
I really ought to go upstairs and get my stuff ready and then go to sleep.
I just finished watching Confessions of a Shopaholic and I really want to be "the girl in the green scarf"
(so I can have a hottie boss and Prada shoes too!)



Ugh. I miss Tony. So much. He is probably out and about with beautiful girls enjoying himself...
That makes me feel so shitty.
He sent me messages today and I ignored them but at the last minute I sent him a nudge and he didn't say anything back.
I am pathetic.
Who am I to say you love me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGzHl0u9EsI
I officially love this song (D.P.'s fault) and feel that it is appropriate to how I feel lately. I was totally wrong about Tony. I thought we were besties but I messed up everything and he went and found someone much better.

Night all <3

Whew...

it's quiet.
Wow.

We had a fam. jam today and all the kids came over to play - but our basement is a mess so we ended up all crowded in the front room. fun times.
We cleaned for a while to prepare for the guests but now the house looks 10X messier than it did this morning!
Oh well. We had fun. But I am so ready for a nap now.


TO DO:
- Sunday School tomorrow (print lesson)
- pick up library book at South Common & actually read it (In the Skin of a Lion)
- Rhetoric homework (2 page analysis)
- German homework (ugh) & study for next week's quiz
- rent a car for Dad sometime before Thursday...
- study for Citi. test (March 18th)

plus much more...
anyway, let me cuddle up with Shadow and find a good movie.

Creeping old emails of ours : (

YAY! I got my stuff done. Phew. I need to crash.
But first, something that has been on my mind:

D: American Lit was great, we just talked about Blanche & psychoanalyzed her. And we discussed our preference in the situation of someone cheating on us: Would you rather your gf/bf cheat on you with someone of the same sex or the opposite sex? Which is the lesser of two evils?

T: are you serious? that was the discussion? dear god. glad I missed that.

D: yeah cause Blanche causes her first husband to kill himself cause she calls him a monster/disgusting after she walks in on him having sex with a guy. So which one would you rather?

T: That is such a stupid question. If a girl is gonna cheat on me I won't be with them. who they cheat with is irrelevant.

D: I've been cheating on you...with lemon pie. It happens to be my one true love. I understand if you never speak to me again.

T: what kind of name is Lemon Pie? sounds like a fruitcake to me!

See, if it was the other way around HE wouldn't forgive me.
This sucks.

I'm late! I'm late! (why oh why did they nickname me White Rabbit?)

Good Morning! (sarcastic emphasis on the good part)

I have a German quiz in about nine hours and a paper that I have to fix up (since I just finished the majority of it just now...)
I know, I am a bad kid.
I really don't know how this happened.
I was so set to get it all done on time.

Anyway, I am going to need lots of coffee tomorrow.

TO DO:
GER 100 - quiz
ENG 252 - presentation on Brand
ENG 202 - finish/fix up essay
ENG 205 - lend notes to Mike G. since he is a bum

ok, time to take sleep a little.

Shyteeeeeeeeeeeee

I haven't started my 10 page essay yet...and I only JUST looked at the topics.
I'm not getting any sleep tonight :(

The sorry's keep coming...

...as I apologize for the scars and bruises left on Tony from our fight yesterday.
That's how you know that things wouldn't have worked out with us...cause he made me so mad that I fought him for a book. This is awful. The whole thing. I need to just ignore him and not talk to him but of course I can't.

I'm sorry Tony.


Ugh, I really don't want to tackle this paper for ENG 202...plus I have to do my power point for my presentation on Friday for ENG 252. This suuucks.

The List

Sorry B.

I am mean and misleading.
ughhhhhhhh.

So not over him but trying hard to be.

Aww man, I was so ready to write another sad and bad blog, but bad-ass Baula is making me laugh so hard right now.

Let me just tell the details of the day and then you'll get the sad and bad vibe:
I was woken up early because I am an idiot and totally didn't realize that yesterday was my day to wash dishes (the whole day yesterday I was thinking daaaamn that's a lot of dishes...I feel bad for Shiv). I am so dumb, I was home on Tuesday and had plenty of time to wash its just that I never thought it was MY day. It won't happen again...I hope.

Anyway, then I took my precious time getting ready because I figured I had a lot of time since I was up early...
instead I ended up getting nothing done and rushing to get dressed to catch the bus - the result was me wearing Darsh's vocal tee-shirt and jeans that I had just pulled out the dryer (and were still a little wet - and led me to freeze outside).

Ok, so now I am rushing out the door and if I run I can make it...but I forgot my bus pass & ipod upstairs.
Run, run, run back home...run, run, run to bus stop...watch bus drive away.

OK. I have missed the bus. I am feeling shitty. I have time to spare...
I go to Tony's on a mission to get back my book.

I feel horrible for having fought tooth and nail (literally) but it was the only way to get it back.
He lied and manipulated me and I just had to remember how awful I have felt for the past week and a half.

It's done. And yet, I am emailing him right now.

I'm so not over it yet.


Highlight of my day (and the only good part really) =
Alex buying me a coffee this afternoon and me finally winning 'roll up the rim to win'.
He is seriously an awesome guy.

To blog or not to blog...that is the question!

This morning, I left ON TIME for my bus. Honestly, I did.
But of course it didn't come.
So, I decided that I would go to YOU KNOW WHO'S house.
I know, that was an AWFUL idea.
But I went.
In my head I was chanting my argument: 'Tony, you owe me. You still have my book.'
At the same time I was thinking: 'Shit, I have a German test in less that 30 minutes that I cannot miss!'

But, when I got there it was all in vain anyway...because he never answered the door.
I rang, I called, I stood outside and froze...all for nothing.

I ran back home, begged my Uncle to drive me, and made it just in time for my test (which was rough).
And, the whole day I was thinking: 'What could he have been doing?' 'Was she there?'

It was awful.

To prove that he must have went out in the morning, I tried to ambush him outside of Shakespeare.
In my head the argument was: 'I only came to get my book back, I knew you would have it here.'

Oh fate, you know how to pull at my heart-strings.
Of course he wasn't there. I was waiting since 1:45.

Now to my happy note of the day:
I get to the North Building, I am feeling really crap after all that happened on this shitty Monday, and I see Alex sitting in the cafeteria with his Mr. Sub (a rare sight since I have only seen him with coffee and cigarettes).
I sit down and start crying despite trying really hard not to and he is just there with tissues and jokes and everything to make me feel better. He officially the best. Although now I can't look at him without thinking of pineapples...

Anyway, Ryan says to just forget the book and move on...but I can't!
If I do, its like he wins and I don't want him to win this too. He already tricked me well enough.

He is avoiding me hardcore though...
I have a quiz with him tomorrow night so we'll see what happens.


I LOVE DARSH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! (belated on blog, but here just the same)